February is Heart Month. As a cardiology PA, it means some days I wear red, some days you might see my picture on Facebook for my day job, but it mostly means we raise awareness about heart disease and how to prevent it. This February more than ever, all of my worlds collide. My job, my family, and photography (my other job).

I haven’t gone back to these images in awhile. They are for real HARD to look at. That nauseous feeling that resided in the bottom of my gut for days, which turned into weeks, returns. Not because I can’t handle it. Surgery was my jam. For years. But not surgery like this - on tiny hearts. It was the feeling of being scared to death and completely helpless.

A little over a year ago, my sister had her usual 20 week ultrasound and as we all anxiously awaited the big gender reveal. Instead, we received the news no one ever anticipates. Our newest girl had one of those “cyanotic congenital heart defects” that I learned about way back in PA school- aka One of The Bad Ones.

Transposition of the Great Arteries. This basically means that the two big vessels coming off of her heart were reversed- connected to the wrong sides, essentially sending oxygen poor blood right back into her body without getting to the lungs first.

They were referred to Hershey to confirm, which they did. They were connected with the most amazing group of doctors/surgeons there is, truly. They had a plan.

They would deliver in Hershey. They would do a balloon procedure immediately to keep the hole in the septum open so the red blood could mix freely with the blue blood until she was old enough for her bigger surgery (5-7 days later). They were as ready as they could be.

I got the text at work. She was HERE. We got pictures. YAY.

Then I got another text. “Need prayers big time. Emergency situation. Much worse than anticipated. Doing ECMO here in NICU, no time to get to the OR.”

WHAT.

ECMO.

ECMO is major. Please refer to those big red tubes coming out of her body below. Her heart could not do its job so they had to bypass it by using machines. When I said her surgical team was amazing. There are literally no words. They SAVED HER. Right there.

Apparently the hole that was supposed to stay open with the balloon procedure closed IMMEDIATELY before they could gain access with the balloon, which was totally not the norm and not anticipated.

They were faced with options. 1. Do surgery the next day. Which was risky because she’s literally less than 24 hours old. 2. Wait until she was more stable, but stay on ECMO for days- also risky.

They decided to move forward with her procedure. A simple arterial switch. In reality, not simple at all.

As soon as I heard ECMO and that the surgery might be happening TOMORROW, my sister-in-law and I were in the car and driving straight to Hershey. We got there late, we couldn’t see her that night but we got to see them. I know how I felt and I can’t even begin to fathom what they were feeling.

I brought my camera. Thinking- Is this wrong? Is this inappropriate? Do they even want this? Can I even take this in the room?? We knew she was going to the OR first thing, which in the medical world means before 7:00 am. We woke up super EARLY and got to the hospital, not knowing if they’d let us in because it was well before normal visiting hours.

I’ll say it once, I’ll say it a thousand times. The nurses = AMAZING. Not only did they let us in. They let us IN. Up close. Personal. We could touch her. Hold her hand. AH. She was absolute perfection in every way.

I can say it now. But wouldn’t say it then. I literally didn’t know if these would be the only pictures they would have. So I took them. This is her story and I was going to help tell it.

Baby girl is THRIVING. She’s almost 9 months old and still 100% perfection, scar and all. Although I still cry every time, looking back on these images now, all I see is strength times a million.